The Eulogy of the 2012-2013 Golden State Warriors

by Justin Cherot

* Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family, bandwagon fans… we’ve gathered here today not to grieve, but to celebrate the Golden State Warriors and their terrific 2012-2013 season.

After dumping the crowd-pleasing yet inefficient Monta Ellis in favor of a big man that could no longer move in Andrew Bogut, the Dubs entered this season with modest aspirations (as in, what can they get back for their late lottery pick?).  And yet, fueled by the tutelage of Coach Mark Jackson and the sweet shooting stroke of Stephen Curry, they exceeded even the most over-zealous fan’s expectations, winning 47 games and a playoff series.  Their frenetic, yet controlled style of play became the dominating water-cooler conversation over the course of the last month.  Third quarters became better known as “Curry Time”– or monikers infinitely more creative– because of moments like this:

And this:

We all wanted to believe an upset would happen.  We all wanted to crown greatness too early (especially you, Bill Simmons).  But, in the end maybe it was too good to be true.  After turning his ankle midway through the 4th quarter of Game 3 against the heavily-favored San Antonio Spurs, Curry–and more importantly, the Warriors, who feed off of his ridiculous three-pointers like nothing we’ve ever seen on a basketball court–fell apart and haven’t been the same since.  Despite a gutsy, adrenaline-laced come-from-behind win in Game 4, the Warriors (especially Curry) have merely been a shell of their former selves, averaging just 93.3 points per game.  More importantly, they’ve shot just 40% as a team.  Even more important than that, they’re shooting just 30% from behind the three-point line.  For lack of a better term, their performance has been “Knick-like”.  The only thing missing has been the tatoos.

But again, this isn’t a time to lament in their demise.  This is a time to remember their energy, their youthful exuberance, their penchant for making us want to watch playoff basketball even if we have no rooting interest because our teams have long ago been lowered into the ground.  For most of us, they’ve made the time between NFL training camps go by much quicker. 

So let us all bow our heads in prayer, and…


…what’s that??? 

…what do you mean we’ve done this before???  Okay, fine.  We HAVE done this before.  But have you SEEN Curry walk?  Have you WATCHED Danny Green and Kawhi Leonard defend him?  Can you honestly tell me with a straight face that the Warriors, after three straight games of horrid shooting, are going to suddenly put it together and beat Tony Parker and Tim Duncan, especially when Game 7 would be in San Antonio?

That’s just silly.  What evidence do we have that they can pull this off?

…okay, well the David Lee injury was significant, but they’ve proven to be a tougher match-up without him.

…um, okay, they recovered after blowing a lead in Game 1, but only because Klay Thompson shot like Larry Bird.

…yeah, San Antonio just got tired in Game 4. 

Whatever, there’s no way they win Game 6…


*The preceding has post is sponsored by the “Justin Cherot Kiss of Death”.


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