by Justin Cherot
Completely snowed in and nothing else to do, I spontaneously decided to do a Super Bowl “From the Couch” entry…
Okay, I’m completely lying. I actually told you about a week and change ago that I was going to undertake this. Remember?
I had to pace myself, especially after three hours of shoveling the driveway and watching a UNC/Maryland game that got me very excited to say the least (yes, the Terps are one of my three “we” teams, along with the Dallas Mavericks and, um, the Oakland Raiders).
Thankfully, in an ironic twist of fate, Crank 2: High Voltage put me completely to sleep, giving me the rest I needed to undertake this task.
Sit back, relax, and enjoy the next 1,800 words (occasionally broken up with video).
6:10: The New Orleans Saints come out to the same theme song Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls used to come out to on a nightly basis. If you’re like me and you spent your entire childhood watching MJ, you know EXACTLY what song that is. If you don’t, maybe this will refresh your memory.
Yeah, that’s being downloaded tonight after the game. Crazy coincidence or a sign of things to come? I don’t know… maybe they really are a team of destiny.
6:13: Before Carrie Underwood sings, time for some predictions. I haven’t looked at the over/under for this game, but anytime you have Drew Brees and Peyton Manning behind the steering wheels of these high-octane machines, I would probably take the over on 60. If you’re my Facebook friend (and if you aren’t why aren’t you?), you know I’m recommending that you take the Colts +6. I think that’s a smart spread, more or less because one way or the other I think it’s going to be a one possession game. If I had to take a lucky guess, I guess I’ll say that Manning is too clutch to bet against. 35-31 Colts.*
*editor’s note: Looking back, I find that comment to be reverse prophetic.
6:22: Queen Latifah on “America the Beautiful”: 6.5. Carrie Underwood on the anthem: 5.3. Reasoning: my expectations for Underwood were way higher and I felt like she completely underwhelmed me. Latifah gets graded on a curve because she’s a rapper turned actress turned singer. That’s two degrees away from her level of comfortability. That’s like me talking about football all day: you don’t expect as much.
6:25: Speaking of which… why aren’t Dwight Howard and LeBron James doing the dunk contest again???
6:27: PROP BET ALERT!!!! I’m going with heads on the coin toss. Heads all day.
6:28: YESSSSSS!!!! And for the record, Emmitt Smith’s coin toss was awful. Saints’ ball. The Austin Croshere Bowl: let’s get it!*
*editor’s note: Yeah, by now you should get it: I’m definitely a basketball guy first. Google Austin Croshere and you’ll get the reference. In retrospect, I could have gone Rick Mahorn… but Croshere is just goofier looking.
6:30: It’s 60 degrees in Miami. There are 60 inches of snow in our un-plowed street.
6:31: Cool intros.
6:32: Three and out for the Saints??? What???
6:34: The Saints are in trouble if Manning is going to be that accurate. Dallas Clark just had to put his hands out.
6:36: Roman Harper just nailed Joseph Addai. I felt it. The beauty of surround sound.
6:37: Sleeper Croshere Bowl MVP: Dallas Clark. Don’t sleep on Clark (somewhere my boy Hakeem Clark is smiling).
6:38: Just realized something: football compliments my writing style very well. 30 some odd seconds between each play… plenty of time for me to write. Only problem is I’ll have to control myself. Barely 13 minutes in and this post is rivaling the Book of Basketball in terms of length. I’ll have to remember to pace myself.
6:41: Borderline bad throw by Manning to Pierre Garcon. Even saying that seems blasphemous.
6:43: Back to back decent commercials: the Budlight house and the Betty White Snickers commercial. And then there was the Tebow commercial… maybe he can’t throw, but he sure can pitch. Get it? Like he can self-promote? I bet I made you giggle a smidge.
Oh yeah… and Matt Stover hit a field goal before that. I have to get on my game. 3-0 Colts with, 7:45 left in the first.
6:46: Swing and a miss from Boost Mobile and Doritos. Actually, the human dog collar was borderline violent and offensive. This is coming from me.
6:48: Reggie Bush16 yard gain. SHOW KIM!!! Big third down conversion.
6:50: Wow… I thought Braylon Edwards got eliminated two weeks ago… but apparently he hi-jacked Marques Colston‘s jersey. At least for two consecutive plays. Six and out.
6:52: Oh man… Doritos is, um, borderline controversial tonight. “Keep yo hands off my mama, keep yo hands off my Doritos.”
6:56: Early observation: Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams is dialing up good pressure on Manning. So far, Joseph Addai is doing a good job of at least trying to keep them honest.
7:02: Responsible adult Justin was busy handling financials for fiscal 2009… meaning he absolutely missed the Manning to Garcon TD.
*editor’s note: Sorry for the grainy video, but that’s all I could find. Shout out to YouTube user ReLeAnmwe for the video.
Being a responsible adult sucks. 10-0 Colts with 30 seconds left in the 1st quarter.
7:05: Doritos’ casket commercial is downright morbid, and hopefully Budlight’s commercial officially marks the Death of Autotune.
7:10: 10 points is the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history? If that’s the case, the Saints are in trouble. Fortunately, they’re used to being down early and coming back on this field. Remember the Dolphins’ game?
7:13: The Saints are in Colts’ territory for the first time tonight with 12:46 left in the second. Translation: so much for the over/under.
7:15: Replay just showed Dwight Freeney and his patented spin move. Um, he looks fine to me.
7:17: And that was before a crucial sack on third and short. Luckily for Saints, Garrett Hartley bangs in a 46 yarder.
7:19: The Budweiser commercial where the town forms a human bridge just further validates my point is that we are a nation of alcoholics.
7:22: In a weird twist of scheduling, two straight commercials from CareerBuilder and Dockers about people not wearing pants. And then a Brett Favre commercial where he’s mulling retirement… in 2020. The funny thing is I can see him doing something like that.
7:25: Great. Now Braylon Edwards has switched jerseys with Garcon. Stay away from the game, Edwards.
7:28: Brees just doesn’t look comfy yet. Maybe it has something to do with Freeney and his super ankle.
7:31: 21 yard toss to Lance Moore. Breezy starting to get a little hot.
7:32: I’m no football genius, but even I know the Colts’ defense is too fast for a reverse… but it doesn’t matter, because Brees and Colston just erased it with a 27 yard pitch and catch to put the Saints inside the Colts’ five.
7:36: Plays in the second quarter: Saints 20, Colts 3.
3rd and goal coming up after the two minute warning.
7:39: And Mike Bell slips behind the line of scrimmage. Interesting call: you’re down at their two after a long drive. For me, I’m going.
7:42: …which is why I don’t coach. Pierre Thomas got stiduffed. Turnover on downs.
7:56: More taxes and such but at least I saw Hartley bang in another one. 10-6 at the half.
8:13: True story about “Who Are You”: for the longest, Shanta, an avid CSI fan, thought the lyrics were some kind of gibberish. “There’s no way they’re saying ‘Whooooo Are You’. They’re saying ‘Ooooo la di.’ You don’t even know the lyrics to the national anthem.” She has since apologized to me, not only for being wrong about the Who song but also for doubting my Francis Scott Key poem reciting skills. O’ say THAT!!!!
8:20: “The ‘Who Dat’ Nation and the Hoosier State”… Jim Nantz is ridiculous.
8:22: ONSIDE KICK!!!!!! AND THE SAINTS GET IT!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!? WOW!!!! And for the record, that had to be the craziest, most disputed fumble recovery in NFL history.
And who bumbled it? Kendra’s lovely Hank Baskett. Wonder why CBS doesn’t show her…
8:27: 11:41 left in the 3rd, and the Saints take their first lead of the Croshere Bowl. Thomas took a screen from Brees and went 16 yards for the score. Bonus: another “Who Dat” reference from Nantz.
8:30: Megan Fox sends out semi-naked pictures via her MotoBlur, followed by the announcement of a FREE GRAND SLAM from Denny’s this Tuesday. I’d go, but unfortunately I won’t get served because I’m a minority. Yeah, it’s been years since that whole fiasco, but still…
8:32: Manning with his first pass in about an hour and a half? Right on target to Clark.
8:33: Addai is running like Adrian Peterson (pre-fumblitis) tonight. Eight carries, 71 yards.
8:35: Holy mess my pants! What a ridiculous throw by Manning to Clark for a 27 yard gain.
8:37: Addai pinball wizard-like touchdown from four yards away, capping a 10 play, 76 yard “F you” drive. Your welcome, fans of The Who.
8:43: Good E-Trade commercial. That baby is just so precious… in a Seth Rogan kind of way.
8:45: The adrenaline/painkillers are starting to wear off for Freeney. You can definitely see it. It’s like when I come down from caffeine… not a pretty sight.
8:48: Surprised Sean Payton isn’t going for it on fourth and three from the 30.
8:49: Even more surprising: watching Hartley bang in these 40+ yard field goals. 17-16 Colts after Hartley’s latest.
8:51: Where was Chad Simpson‘s guy telling him to stay in the end zone? Now the Colts have to go 90 yards trying to answer the Saints’ score.
8:54: Hard to believe Manning and the Colts are winning despite an average drive start differential of 15 yards.
8:56: End of three and it’s a one-point game. 17-16 Colts. The bottom of my feet are sweating.
8:59: God, what a depressing commercial from defeatthedebt.com.
9:00: Just a thought as Garcon makes a 17 yard catch: where the heck is Reggie Wayne?
9:02: There he goes! Good timing, as the Colts convert a fourth and two.
9:04: Fourth and 11 from the 34. Four years ago, Stover probably bangs that, but in 2010, he just doesn’t have the range. Saints take over with great field position at their own 41.
9:10: As Bush makes a seven yard reception down to the Colts 29, I just wonder to myself why CBS has toned down their Kim Kardashian sightings. Someone in production must have the under in a Vegas prop bet.
9:12: Under seven minutes left and the Saints are at the five, looking to inevitably put points on the board. The over/under is done, but the spread looks really good.
9:13: Jeremy Shockey touchdown from two yards out. And it’s looking like a two-point try.
9:14: No go for Moore and the Saints by the slimmest of margins. Still, 22-17 Saints with 5:42 left.
9:16: That Budweiser commercial with the bull was a metaphor for how dumb bull%$^& has infiltrated and watered down mass media. And wow… the spread could be in jeopardy as the officials are reviewing the Moore catch. AND THE CALL IS OVERTURNED!!! ^%$&!!!! 24-17 Saints.
9:20: Manning… 70 yards, three time-outs, 5:42 left. Yeah, I say there’s about an 84.6% chance of tying it up. That’s not even disrespecting the Saints’ D. It’s just that there’s no one player in professional sports that I would trust with a spread…er, game, definitely game… on the line than Manning.
9:24: To the Saints’ 33 already. Manning is picking them apart. COME ON SPREAD!!!!
9:26: For the record, the Green Police would completely lock me away for years. And the Charles Barkley Dr. Seuss rhyme may have been the worse commercial all night. I’m ashamed to be a basketball fan.
9:29: WOW!!!! Tracy Porter with a big interception!!!! In this crazy chess game on grass, Gregg Williams and Porter outsmarted the great Peyton Manning… and completely KILLED my fictitious, not for any kind of money (because that’s illegal) spread. 31-17 Saints.
9:32: I swear, these beer commercials are getting dumber and dumber. This is coming from a guy who is very easily amused and is waiting on Will Ferrell to just go ahead and make Anchorman II.
9:34: This game is about 95% wrapped up. For any other QB it’d be 100% done… but we’re talking about Peyton F. Manning here. If you listen to L’il Wayne you know what the “F” stands for: fantastic.
9:39: Like I said it’s Peyton F. Manning. Down to around the Saints’ four after an asinine personal foul.
9:43: Incomplete pass to Wayne in the end zone basically seals it. And the replay basically confirms that Wayne should have caught it. It wouldn’t have been an easy catch… but it’s a top-five receiver in the NFL catch, capping a rather unspectacular night from #87.
9:45: Payton, not Peyton, gets the Gatorade shower. Bourbon St. going nuts. Nantz rattling off random parts of New Orleans. Ladies and gentlemen… the New Orleans Saints are your 2009-2010 NFL champions.
I’ve always wanted to say this…